13 Years -- An Article Against the Education System

(Philosocom's directory on education)

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Sometimes I regret being an outstanding student. I regret that I have always listened in my classes. And I regret being diligent. It isn't because I don't like learning. To this day, I am an autodidact. It's because, in retrospect, school studies may have harmed my mental state. To what was later diagnosed as a general anxiety disorder. It made me more disabled than I am now.

13 years. 13 years of shouting. Of suppressing emotion. Of keeping certain thoughts to myself because their expression was not accepted by the teachers. Regardless of the subjects I learned and excelled in, the central lesson I learned there, was to shut up while someone else is shouting. Even if 99% of those terrible screams were not directed at me, my autistic consciousness felt like they were penetrating my internal organs. Moving them violently, even if only by feeling.

Their experience on a daily basis was one of the most scarring things in my young life. That's especially true when I struggled daily, not only with others. With myself, too, out of a fear that these screams would be directed at me. Then the time would come when I could no longer suppress the worry in my mind. A time when the subconscious will convey an overloaded state. A burden that will eventually cause me to lose it. (2023 Note: I never lost control. Never. Let it be known. Philosophizing helps).

The other students didn't care that much. They took the frustrated screams of the teachers for granted. That's how it is when the outside sound doesn't play such an extreme role in your life. Not as it did for me, without any desire on my part. But it was, is, and will be.

Sometimes I think the more you're an outstanding and hard-working student, the less willing you are to face the democratic reality of this world. A world that isn't confined to your school's reasoning. Even during the school period most high school students were usually terrible students at the institution I went to. And at the same time, they were exemplary citizens of democracy. I just felt imprisoned, depressed and self-repressed. But despite the anxiety I had, I was also an outstanding student.

Yes, I loved learning, but it wasn't until hindsight that I realized I didn't need an educational institution to help me. As a child, I taught myself exemplary English from video and computer games, more than all my English lessons taught me together.

I'm not sure if I'm a genius. I did written seven books, six in philosophy, and over 240 articles on the website I've set up alone, but what I'm really sure of is my lack of need of the education system. Beyond getting a high school diploma, I wouldn't say it's necessary. Maybe reading or writing, too, but what else? If I had to learn anything, here you go, you have the vast internet at your disposal. You can buy internet courses and you can experience the whole wide world, if possible.

And here I am, unemployed for over two years. A full graduation certificate and several philosophical courses at the open university in my hands. I live solely from government assistance, living alone in a two-room housing unit and my neighbor's being my mother. Unsuccessful experience of office-volunteering and a possible chance of not being fit to work due to my general anxiety. I'm still trying to figure out whether my exemplary excellence was worth all the effort I put in and all the peace of mind I had sacrificed.

To all those I learned from as a student. I've loved you all for being my teachers. You did what you believed was for the benefit of the students. Even if you did so forcibly, it's your job. And despite all your contributions, I wonder if I ever needed all of you. I wonder... if could've been a happier, more peaceful person today, if the state didn't force me to be in school.

"Education is the path to success," many will argue. The education my parents gave me was better than any other teacher had ever given me. I was taught to express my feelings, even if they were unwanted. I was taught politeness and dignity, even if uncommon nowadays.

Taught me to learn and explore from the love of knowledge and wisdom. Not out of anticipation and anxiety to get a good grade. Most importantly, they didn't tell me to keep things to myself. Not hesitate to express them and not be afraid of the consequences. The irony is that I've learned a lot more important tools from them than I've learned from any teacher I've ever encountered.

And finally, like a dog licking his wounds, I wonder if the school has done me more wrong than the other way around, as it should have done, as I struggle against the general anxiety that may have been rooted in the poor state of the education system in its current state.

Perhaps because of my educators, I have been sentenced to a life of below-average wellbeing. Those who know mental disorders will never be cured, only repeatedly delayed by medications. They are nothing more than distractions for the monster inside. The monster that grew inside me for 13 years of my short life.

The school days will be remembered by many as happy and joyous years. Years of fun, excitement, and pleasure. I just wanted to learn. That's what they get, and that's what I get.