A Return to the Darker Past -- A Personal Exploration of Fatigue and Hopelessness -- How I Overcame Both For You
Updated: Sep 18
Article Synopsis by Mr. O. C. Isaac
The article "A Return to the Darker Past: A Personal Exploration of Fatigue and Hopelessness -- How I Overcame Both For You" is a deeply personal and introspective exploration of Mr. Tomasio's journey through fatigue, hopelessness, and the eventual path to overcoming these struggles.
It is structured in a way that guides the reader through the emotional landscape of Mr. Tomasio's experiences, using vivid imagery and relatable metaphors to convey complex feelings and thoughts. The article is rich with emotional depth and raw honesty, allowing readers to empathize with the author's journey.
The use of metaphors and imagery, particularly the comparison to the "Metallic Madness" level from a video game, provides a tangible and relatable way to understand the author's internal state and the consequences of their choices.
The well-structured narrative helps maintain the reader's interest and provides a logical flow to the narrative. The author delves into philosophical reflections and thought experiments, adding an intellectual dimension to the article. This not only highlights the author's analytical thinking but also invites readers to ponder similar questions about fate, choices, and personal responsibility.
Despite the exploration of dark and challenging themes, the article ultimately conveys a message of resilience and hope.
The author's determination to seek victory and create a better future is inspiring, providing a sense of closure and optimism. The inclusion of relatable personal anecdotes, such as the author's interaction with a former teacher and their experiences with an online game community, adds a relatable and human touch to the article.
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We don't stay in the dark because our lives are too important to us. -- Mickey Eilon
Part I: Sunday Blues and a Metallic Future
It was sunday, late morning. I've being listening to a track I really like from a very old video game. The track is called "Metallic Madness Bad Future (JP version)". The game itself is simple to explain. A time traveling game where your actions can lead to different timelines, either good or bad, from either the past or future.
I've been haunted by the concept of choices, and the nature of the inevitable, ever since I was a child, as I made thought experiments regarding alternative realities. I was surprised to see how the same choices I made only lead to the intensity of similar outcomes. As such, I needed to change myself, which I did.
"Metallic Madness" is the final level of that game, meaning that even if you'll finish the game, you will still have a bad ending, if you made the decisions that caused you to be in a dystopian future. It is a mechanical base that seems to be the accumilation of Dr. Eggman's whole genius. The description of the dystopian future version of it, is as follows:
In the bad future, Metallic Madness appears foreboding and in a state of great decay, as if it has been abandoned for years.
The machinery and surrounding walls and flooring have a rusted brownish-green hue to them, with a pitch black background illuminated with multicolored mechanical pillars and countless computer consoles. Though functional, many of the surrounding mechanisms -- if not the entire base itself -- appears cracked, broken, and desperately clinging onto whatever electrical power it can, as if in danger of shutting down at any time.
The future is necessarily a product of the past and the present. Should we make the same awful decisions, we will become like that base. Cracked, broken, functional, perhaps, but unstable.
Despite The Tyrrany of Circumstance
Interesting enough, the level's song, "Metallic Madness “B” mix", sang by an unknown entity, either by the genius or by his mentally unstable robot, Metal Sonic. The song explores themes of powerlessness, despair, and a preordained fate, otherwise known as an inevitable possibility. It triggers feelings of helplessness and dread. The industrial soundscape creates a sense of alienation and impending doom.
Listening to this, I find myself quite contemplative when listening to this song. It makes me feel melancholic, knowing that my future might as well be sealed by welfare and by my tendency to fall into fatigues of several kinds. I largely quarantine myself, for I lack energies to show emotional empathy, so others wouldn't suffer by their own ignorant expectations.
Yet, I choose to live on, despite these exhaustions telling me I have no reason to move on, to focus on Philosocom relentlessly, to endure, and to live despite the struggle.
No. I seek victory, and I seek it with emotionless passion. And I seek it for you. I seek a good future, a better future.
Part II: Shame, a Years-Long Companion
"Metallic Madness Bad Future" pulsed through the speakers of my computer. It symbolized my deepest fears, of being alone enough, to be forgotten by history. It was a soundtrack to a life derailed by my former desire to mask who I really am, in order to please others.
Therefore, in order to continue help others, which brings me the most meaning in this devoid reality, I had to regard my former quest for absolute peace, a great liability.
Reaching out to a former teacher, served as testimony to a future that tore to shreds my former school's high hopes for me. Being honest about my former chronic fatigue, my limitations that mocked my dreams, I craved, regardless, to remain a beacon of hope and light, deep inside.
Her initial "Oh no, how horrible" felt hollow, a stark contrast to the future I'd envisioned. A future stolen by the very self I sought to destroy.
The song mocked me. "You can't do anything, so don't even try. Get some help," resonated with a horrifying truth. My overestimated potential, fueled by ambition and intellect, had been choked by my former self and its many weaknesses. The path to becoming a philosophy professor, like my former master, felt like a cruel joke. The money, the drive, all rendered useless by a relentless fatigue.
And Ms. Chen's words echoed in the silence between the song's industrial beats., as well.
For my increasing ineptitude, I turned a broken man, whose promised future got away from him. A future I earned access to, and then lost.
Part III: An Alternative Good Future
Mace Windu: [has Palpatine subdued] I am going to end to this, once and for all!
Anakin Skywalker: You can't. He must stand trial.
Mace Windu: He has control of the Senate and the courts. He's too dangerous to be left alive.
Supreme Chancellor: [exhausted and disfigured] I'm too weak. Oh, don't kill me. Please!
Anakin Skywalker: It's not the Jedi way. He must live!
Supreme Chancellor: [Windu ignores Anakin, still intending to kill Palpatine] Please don't!
Anakin Skywalker: I need him!
Supreme Chancellor: [Windu raises his lightsaber] Please don't!
Anakin Skywalker: NO! [Anakin draws his own lightsaber, cutting off Windu's hand]
Supreme Chancellor: [as he electrocutes Windu] POWER! UNLIMITED POWER!
-- Revenge of the Sith, Windu symbolizing fatigue. Anakin, symbolizing those who need me. "Unlimited Power", representing the will to live.
Yet, a flicker of defiance to "my fate" remained. The "testimonials" and "analytics" whispered of a growing audience, a testament to the impact of my story. Perhaps the "help" wasn't just for me, but for others facing similar battles. Maybe amidst the melancholic melody, there was a chance to rewrite a different kind of future, not for myself, but for those who resonated with my struggle.
The "Bad Future" might be set in stone, but the power of shared experiences, of offering solace and understanding, could spark a new kind of legacy, either way.
“Birds of the same feathers flock together for their innate need for seed.” -- Seneca
The Rise and Fall of My Online City State
As a child, my imagination was a battlefield. I craved power, dreaming of leading like a military dictator. However, I was dumb, and my lack of wisdom at the time caused suffering. This translated into an online game, where I, Westcat, built a virtual empire – Storm Alpha Squad.
Looking back, a touch of maturity might have made a world of difference. I was just a kid in elementary school... They needn't suffer by my incompetence.
At our peak, Storm Alpha Squad boasted a mighty 50 members, all real people playing the game. Two lieutenants served under my command, and we even had a small city – "SAS Base," later renamed for reasons unknown to "A Start of Greatness." Owned by one of my lieutenants, a fellow gamer all the way from Ohio, it served as our virtual headquarters.
The Moral Aftermath
People whom I help needn't suffer by my hand. They can grow like flowers instead! I seek to water, not oppress.
Conclusions: Navigating a World That Doesn't Speak "My Language"
It seems that some conditions in life were inevitable, all because I was born. My genetics, my Judaism, my autism, and the gloomiest of them all – my high inclination to fatigue. All in their own way made me an outcast, a recluse and a minority in this world. Perhaps, if my hand was dealt differently, I'd be more fortunate.
But the one question that haunts me most is this: Did my conditions take me away from the girl I believed is the most like me at that point of time?
If society condemns those who don't follow the script, why should I cooperate with it? Why should I follow a script that glorifies death? The death of anything and anyone we don't like, and hate, even? I kill off my emotions involuntarily.
Many tears and moments of sadness happened during these years, because I truly wanted her back as my friend. But for some reason, I was apparently an "alien". An "alien," from "another world".
But here's the truth: I'm not an alien, and I'm not from another world. I am a human being. The fact that most of us are social creatures and operate according to a set of norms I am unaware of, frustrates me. It's like trying to decipher a language with no dictionary. The naturally asocial will suffer accordingly.
Should I ever find a way to connect and be understood, then it will be then, when they will all see the person beneath the "perceived alienhood". They can leave me if they want, and I will live either way. The societal script programs to adore and reject. I programmed myself to endure.
This article... isn't about revenge. It's about understanding.
A better future... it's about finding a way to bridge the gap between humanity' inner worlds. It's about people finding their place a society that seems to have forgotten the meaning of acceptance.
I support burning the depraved world to the ground, and building a better one upon the former's ashen foundations.
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