Accepting Reality I: Accepting the Pain

(This is the sequel)

(This is the final part)

(Philosocom's Subcategory Directory on Despair and Surrender)

2008 2009... were the last years that I began losing the ability to relax naturally, as I turned naturally stressed until today. I tried everything I could to reduce the intense chronic stress. Psychologists, yoga, physical-therapy, anti-anxiety pills, meditation, alternative medicine, etc. All failed.

For over a decade, a seemingly-endless physical pain in the muscles has begun, and it began with a scream of pain. This pain made me stressed for years-on end, non-stop. The only time where it didn't, was when I slept.

The pain was repressed by my unconscious mind when I was too distracted. But even then, I could sense it staying in the background. It just does not seem to end, and I eventually accepted defeatism, as I was too busy being miserable by something more "valuable" than this (The education system). No matter how many deep breaths I took, the physical exercise I did, or the meditations I did, none overcame it.

I don't believe in actual curses, but it was wrong for me as a child to be both very tall and sit all day in class, in front of a computer, and so on. I would probably pay for this mistake for the rest of my life. 50 years at least, hopefully.

How did I manage to endure for so long, and not give up? Do you expect a grandiose philosophical answer? I just accepted this reality as inevitable, for I choose to live. Even though I tried to find ways to reduce it, they had little effect at all! All the investment, and efforts, went to waste on attempts that became either feeble or effective only in the short term.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a healthy person. Healthy in solitude, that is, I find society sickening both literally and metaphorically. Toxic ways people normally behave causing me PTSD and a strong desire to lay low from society. And still, it's hard to imagine a reality without this pain accompanying me, like a demon who always follows me wherever I go. A demon inside of me, using my own pain to avoid most people and to be motivated by it.

Sometimes, "defeat" is the refusal to engage in another health-wasting conflict. It's merely that the infantility of conflict is one of the many infantile human behaviors that have been normalized and integrated deeply into human society. Be "defeated" by the desire for peace, not because you're weak, but as a way to accept reality where the odds are against you. In solitude, is where we rest and heal from the physical/mental pains of society. This resting and healing, is the key for strength against the verdicts of a reality beyond our control. A reality given by circumstances by regretful actions.

It may be worthwhile to improve yourself, if you cannot improve external reality. A more optimal improvement of your external life, starts by looking within.

Hope is when there is a great possibility of salvation or redemption. However, when you're obsessive about it, it becomes a nuisance, a distracting disturbance in your daily functioning. The more grandiose and unrealistic it is, the more hope will only make you miserable, instead of compelling you to work and plan on bringing that hope into fruition. Hope instead should be limited to our respective potentials.

The more we engage in fantasy in our minds, or in a reality that is too unrealistic to bring, the more we might not only refuse to accept reality as it is, but despise it. Despise the world, despise humanity.

When you're hopeless about something you know you can't change, you can have an easier time, accepting its presence and authority, and live despise the struggle it may bring. Being hopeless doesn't always mean pure despair. In this case, it means that there is no longer a reason to expect a change in things. A hopeless emotion can be towards something specific instead.

What has my pain brought? Anxiety, exhaustion, and an ascetic mentality. This world is stressful to me a lot, and to recover, while helping others, I just live in greater social isolation. Nowadays, the thought that it will never stop, brings me a sense of stability, and peace. Peace is found in acceptance, then in the need to control or to dominate reality.

Do I like this world, which led to my late grandmother's suicidal tendencies? Not at all. However, if I didn't accept the moral depravity of this world, I would've been even more depressed than I am, the more and more I would've partaken in it. Yet, I'm no masochist. But the fact that I gave up on this world, reduced the stress. Thus, I've become less stressful by giving up trying.

At least if I am to suffer this for life, at least now you may know, that there might be a bittersweet side to hopelessness. No matter how upsetting it may be, there's no point. Specified hopelessness could be a form of acceptance.

Another person would feel very uncomfortable for having had this pain for so long. But for me, it was Tuesday. Me, a philosophical, anti-villainous "dictator".