Advanced Unconventionality: Mastering Fatigue With Post-Trauma Logic
Many autistic people are highly empathetic and have a strong moral compass. -- Autistica Blog
Psychopaths know intellectually what is immoral, they just don’t have a feeling of immorality about it. ― Barbara Oakley
Part I: The Master of Fatigue
I was raised to be terribly tired. Being a mysterious man, life was always a series of traumas, starting first with being born.
Impediment after impediment, some given to me by life, some given to me by myself. I am a relentless man, designed for relentlessness, and enjoys relentlessness. In my stead, many autists would decide to depart from the insane way of life I was built into, as my verdict of being was always destined to be vastly different, as I hide myself in plain sight, existing purposefully like an alien within my surroundings.
Being born was tiring for me, and my early years is where my fatigue began, from the very womb. I rarely knew true extroversion, for even when I am energetic, I am never balanced within my body and mind. The balance between my body and mind always needed this. However, the failure of family meant for me the utter subversion of expectations, a way of life that's normal to me.
As my mother stared my eyes being born, she always knew I was different. Weirdly enough... I was always raised differently, always sheltered, yet more knowledgeable than the average person who might live life not as a hermit like I am.
Reality was always uncanny, and I was always raised to be different... Always raised to live a weirdly grandiose life within the confines of a standard, subpar environment. This led me to realize my internal world will always be bigger and vaster than most of the world around me.
Within the subpar environment's incompetence, I weirdly thrived. Any burden I had to deal with, either by my own hubris or by the assumed knowledge of others, remained a motivator, a rectificator for me. Always, always live up to the best expectations of others. Always, always be the best version of myself.
The Growth of Deviation
Within the poor socio-economic life I lived oblivious to, I thrived regardless. This led me to realize I was always gifted, one way or another. Weirdly, I found myself luckier. Bittersweet luckier, as my life always contained a complex tapestry of contradictory values. This led me to understand and appreciate Taoism very, very easily.
The male-oriented video games I always played as a child fueled my relentlessness even further, as I began learning to use rage for my advantage, cultivating emotionless-passion towards greatness. Greatness, however, not of myself, but also of others. However, always, always in some kind of relation to me.
I always divided people into four classes. All of humanity in fact...
Apprentices/subordinates/followers.
Masters.
Equals.
The rest of the world, which all the 3 types originate from.
Always living in my mind like a zombie while the rest experience life directly, I started with only masters. With masters I was always happy even when I was angry or any other emotion. How come? "Simple". Despite confining my soul to my brain for life, I always enjoyed following orders. I enjoyed being a follower, like I enjoy being a leader. I weirdly enjoy any role that has to do with the greater good of humanity.
I am not an autist as much as I am of Asperger's Syndrome.... Dr. Hans Asperger has described this special type of autism as "autistic psychopathy".
The Social Value of the Autistic Psychopath (Dr. Hans Asperger)
"To our amazement, we have seen that autistic individuals, as long as they are intellectually intact, can almost always achieve professional success, usually in highly specialized academic professions, often in very high positions, with a preference for abstract content….
We are convinced, then, that autistic people have their place in the organism of the social community. They fulfil their role well, perhaps better than anyone else could, and we are talking of people who as children had the greatest difficulties and caused untold worries to their care-givers.
The example of autism shows particularly well how even abnormal personalities can be capable of development and adjustment.
Possibilities of social integration which one would never have dreamt of may arise in the course of development. This knowledge determines our attitude toward complicated individuals of this and other types…."
Part II: Psychopathic Traits in Fatigue
Weirdly enough, I always felt I have weird, heroic, psychopathic traits, alongside very cute, geeky autistic stereotypes, found perhaps in classic autism.
Due to my traumas, some of them self-inflicted in the name of the greater good, I was often found myself idolized, and also hating it. Regardless, the fatigue was always there. In my birth I was called "Tom" by the first woman I saved, Master Numi, my grandmother. Tom meant in her context, something that is amiss in this world. "Purity".
I always appreciated and praised the stereotypical East-European stereotypes of weary, hard-working, ruthless people. I found it fitting to who I am. As such, with my increasing relentlessness, I began forming a very militant, intimidating persona, which is part of who I am deep inside.
I can easily attract, and I can easily repel. I intimidate by the fact I exist. Me expressing an emotionless, ruthless side, confuses people, creates anxiety in them more than in me, as I can simply return, rest with some PTSD symptoms, and move on with my life, weirdly obliviously.
I am weird even to myself, and I was never fond of my psychopathic traits, it is one of the reasons I repressed them greatly, as to spare people of suffering... I spared them like I was in the Vietnam War and as a result began detaching myself from reality, resting in my mind and repressing this shock of my heroic deed.
I believe however I caused more good than trauma (hopefully). I only deem my eerie psychopathy of functional importance, as to make sure I am never overwhelmed by the impulsive reactions of those using their hearts more than their minds.
Of course, PTSD can be caused by the heroic thing (like saving someone from a grenade), and of course it changes you and makes you fatigued.
On the Morality Beyond the Traits
Saving people from themselves was always the right thing to do for me. I cared not for the consequences. In the shadows of plain sight, I saved 6 people by my own choice, with no support from anyone.
Weirdly, even when I was utterly despised and was used as a source for rage by other people, it always returned back again to a chilly positivity; never condemned entirely by those who saw me beyond my arrogant, uncaring, false impressions of their mind.
I never cared for fun or easiness. Never. I purposefully pretended most of my life in the name of being left alone. Mastering the art of solitude allowed me to stay not only mentally detached, but also physically detached for weeks and even months, whether I was together, or by myself.
A weird angel of the shadows, I was always questioned for my affinity for solitude, as I purposefully failed mustering the courage within to tell them about my late master and what she prepared me for. Prepared me to rectify the world, after I saved her life, and with a detached heart and mind, became her apprentice.
I have changed my moral trajectory forever. For the better, even at the great cost of independence.
Beyond Any Lens Whatsoever
My perspective requires apprentices to study for long due to my anti-villainous life.
Having the great difficulty in being honest with myself, due to my desire to be left alone, I was more modest than I looked, being accused of utter arrogance most of my life by many, and even narcissism.
Negative, I am the exact opposite of a narcissist, always was. I purposefully lived in the shadows of societies and institutions, successfully making myself part of them. However, the cracks were always open, so regardless, I was always seen as good despite self-denying impression of grandiosity.
I never required validation for my secretive moral deeds, online and offline. I am dead inside, even amidst my terrifying panic attacks, I remained ever-so mentally detached, intimidating others far, far more than myself.
Voluntary Fatigue, Increased Psychopathic Tendencies
Fatigue... fatigue always resonated with me. Fatigue allowed me to reach a weird state of clarity. Therefore, I always worked hard on many, many projects, never actually deeming them pleasing. I mastered video games, overcame teachers across my life, mastered weird things in general, like being able to walk for hours like a madman. Like dancing. Like playing the piano and composing music in my own weird methods, etc.
I always strived for mastery, always built my life on mastery, and indeed, my fatigued nature is a product of a life where I did much. Much, without even requiring the approval of anyone, using every moment in my life to rectify myself. Using every opportunity, even those I merely pretended to act like a complete fool, to build myself.
Part III: The Reaping of Great Rewards
My relentless altruism tired my mind immensely, yet my body was big and was weirdly fit. Creeping out people around me and finding them living in denial, I accepted my handicap status fairly quickly, already ordering a cane for myself to use.
Within the cursed days of the Reaping Fatigue Era, I was not entirely fatigued, as I was still horribly, horribly energized, drinking coffee not to awaken me, but to regulate my intense emotions.
Within the massive body, my energized mental detachment grew stronger and stronger, as my thoughts clouded themselves. Ironically, it was Philosocom's highest peak in the current lifespan of 5 years, as I weirdly attracted apprentices to study me and assist me in rectifying the world.
I did not attract them consciously. Most of them came to me. Weirdly enough, most of them went to me. I found myself being the most attractive not when I was energized regularly, but when I was energized as a fatigued man.
I am always, always energized. A strange force within me compels me to overcome many challenges. A dark gift. I enjoy being in solitude for my specific giftedness, as I always enjoyed not only helping people, but also sparing them my existence.
Consciously and otherwise, to protect myself as a cane user, filled with many, many emotions, I was weirdly the most intimidating. The most intimidating and the most attractive at the same time. I am a mystery also to myself, finding myself being my own greatest apprentice, formulating philosophical and psychological ideas to assess myself, in comparison to reality, and reality in comparison to me.
An eccentric paragon merely lying on his bed all day, my mentality further and further transformed, as my intellect vastly grew in my voluntary ascetic lifestyle.
The Problem-Solving Madness
Formulating ideas and integrating them, I have devised the inner murder technique by myself. Using research on psychopaths, and combining it with the methodology of visualization techniques, I already deduced many things independently.
I merely appeared a weakling as a fatigued man, however I greatly grew in that period, using this self-devised technique.... to grow myself even more fatigued.
However, as the fatigue weirdly remained in the vista of my mind, I transformed my brain on my own, not needing a cane anymore. A weird, intuitive contact of mine at the time, that saw my face, celebrating in a photo my liberation, described my eyes as that of a ruthless killer, an "actual psychopath", as I lifted my weights like it was nothing after a year of cane-using.
My genius developed further and further weirdly since then, as I realized I am most myself whenever I am fatigued.
Being an unbalanced man by default in body in mind, what I chose to do was to balance them in ways none of you would see as sensible. However, they were always sensible to me, as I always relished in being fatigued.
The Unexpected Virtue
Fatigue, means most of my emotions are exhausted, preventing me from feeling them. Using inner murder, I specifically prioritize specific emotions, finding me, my true self. Not the stereotypical autist, but an autist with self-enhanced psychopathic traits.
Always confined between the currents of the overly excited, infantile autism and the dead-inside psychopathy.... Both uncanny traits within me, besides being able to cool myself using my mind, were now in control of something greater... of a stronger, more refined will to power. Vitality, no longer within the whims of moral-based PTSD... No. Now, within the whims of my soul.
Using my soul, I realized I can not only kill off emotions, but also breed them, using my freedom of choice. Whenever outside, I am merely seen as a cute weirdo. Deep inside, I am far, far more than what most of my apprentices will ever get to fully comprehend.... What, perhaps, most of you
will realize as well.
Eerie Conclusions, Even To Me
My weird life and giftedness allowed me to appreciate the joys of fatigue. Understand, I experience reality differently than you. I saved my late master less because I cared about her emotionally, but because I relished in doing 2 things all my life:
Saving people from themselves or helping them in general.
I logically deduce that I will resume making readers vastly attracted to my readings, while others, vastly weirded out. The latter, being puzzled about how I still manage to write very coherently.
I do not enjoy causing all these emotions in others. For good and for bad. I dislike it. I dislike emotions, for I have the cognition to already understand. My clarity increases as these emotional expressions of qualia are gone, vanished and destroyed from my life. Solitude therefore was always great for a mind that exists beyond the lens of mere demographic data.
Weirdly, my face changes due to my fatigue. Older and wizened when fatigued; infantile when not fatigue. I resent the infantile ones, as they hinder my competence. As such, fatigue will always serve a blissful layer of clarity into my life. Clarity is weirdly stronger than that of any emotional person, as it helps me understand people better, and helps them better as a result, too.
Final Note
Other than that, the rest of humanity will always be divided into 5. The fifth type are those I purposefully/unconsciously get away from me, back to type 4.
Remember: My freedom will always be inside of me, whenever I am.
Nothing and no one is competent enough to take that away from me, as I further and further develop and hone my mind, and force my body to transform just to keep up with my brain.
In the greatness of fatigue, I can focus on the logically-innovative aspect, not the emotionally-innovative, as I remain oblivious and unhindered by pesky emotions, my detached self seeks to eliminate.
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