How Philosophizing Gave Me Hope
Updated: Jul 29
(2023 Note: Now that I compared myself to other autists, I've realized I have Asperger's Syndrome, which can be considered part of ASD, or the Autism Spectrum Disorders. I, however, am no longer sure if I am indeed an autist, even though I was diagnosed. Please, take this article with a grain of salt, as I expect you to do, with any of my articles).
****************************************
Ms. Tamara Moskal's Synopsis:
The author was born with Asperger's Syndrome and has been treated as a "childman" due to his divergent social understanding and emotional nature. He became a partial hermit and philosopher to escape the social stigma of being an outcast and "unworthy by default."
Philosophizing gave him hope and tools to prove he was a capable adult man, even though he could not work in a traditional sense. He found his life's purpose in philosophy and became a "ruthless overman," embracing the example of the fictional Heisenberg.
If you are autistic or a societal outcast, don't give up on life but show the world your worth by your hard work and success. For the author, philosophy is his way to redeem his autistic being, embrace his flaws, and resume living as a worthy contributor to humanity.
A Social Outsider's Search for Understanding
All those who didn't know me or at the time did not see me as a philosopher, treated me as if I were a mere child due to my Asperger's. That is regardless of the age I was in. Socially inept people are treated differently.
From professionals like psychologists and psychiatrists to family members, all in one way or another saw me as a mere youth, even when I entered the third decade of my life.
Whether it is my mother, or a distant family who didn't understand at the time the true meaning of my condition, in the end, I was treated like either a child or a "manchild."
My attempt to philosophize and leave a legacy to the world is one of the ways I try to tell the world that I am more than a disabled man-child who has poor social understanding, and who is very emotionally reactive.
My nemesis' engagement made me sad, not because I love her, but because it reminded me that I am an adult who is treated like a child by anyone who does not recognize or know the role, I have assigned myself in life. Unlike others who do not need to carry the constant burden of being unworthy by default. And I only feel unworthy by default becaue I care about being a part of this world. My way.
Perhaps it is one of the reasons why I decided to become a partial hermit and partially abstain from this world.
Perhaps, in the end, my attempts at philosophizing are partially an attempt to escape my so-called "social status." Of course, it is not the only reason, but merely one of them.
Nonetheless, I, in one way or another, have always been seen as an outsider by this world. Even during the short period of my life where I had friends, I was still conflicted with the environment due to the fact that I was too different back then.
Finding Purpose Despite Social Rejection
In the meantime, we must maintain as high a vibration as possible, and anchor timelines as high as possible. To imagine a reality in a higher vibration, and in harmony with our heart. -- Mickey Eilon
Philosophizing gave me hope that I would be seen as more than a mere child, even though there were still people who were in conflict with me due to my words.
Some people thought I was a narcissist, while in reality I try to avoid following the narcissists' example. others thought I was condescending, while in practice, all I want in life is to contribute in the way I know best, so I would have a reason not to give in.
Not to give in to the words of others that run in my mind and haunt my mentality; not to give in to the words of rejectors; not to give in to the fact that I cannot work normally, nor get a degree.
In the end, I philosophize so I won't give in to the temptation to kill myself, despite the supposed rationale behind this act. It's because I had enough of being treated like trash due to my poorly understood disability. I can live a better life instead through relentless altruism.
My desire to extract revenge on my "nemesis" is merely my way of saying to the world, "I am not a man-child, even if it appears that I am. I deserve equal treatment; I deserve to contribute too and not keep things to myself, unlike what others have said". In a way, revenge is a natural evil. When utilized for altruism, and not to harm, this evil can be utilized for good.
Autism cannot be cured. There is no escape from it for those who were born with it. Therefore, I am met with two options: to kill myself, or to live alongside it, as if I were a truly normal human being.
With my words, I will show to any of those who considered me less than functional, that they were wrong about me, and Ms. Chen is but a personification of all these people, distant or close, known to me or nameless.
This world is devoid of meaning if you don't have a purpose in life. You can work in the same job for years, have a decent lifestyle, have love and family,... In the end, without a higher sense of purpose, your life might be very, very miserable. And Optimistic Nihilism is not something I, at least, am willing to agree with, when I can still work and contribute in my own eccentric ways.
That is the appeal of religion or any other community-based concept -- to give one or more collective-based purpose. However, when you are deemed an outcast by society, you must dig into your own meaning if you desire to avoid a suicidal temptation.
I believe that this was the meaning of the "Overman" by Nietzsche -- the one who goes his own way. However, what he failed to realize was that some people are confined to that possibility and do not merely choose it because they want to.
I too eventually decided to accept the fact that I am, by nature, a societal outcast. Thus, the only way other than sinking down, was to go up; Up beyond good and evil, beyond what is normal and what is abnormal.
To transcend the necessity to depend on oneself for norms, morality, and reception. Perhaps this is why I was seen, in a way, as a man child by some; as a being who didn't care if he would be seen as strange or condemned. For my socially depraved humanity, I had to become a ruthless overman. I studied Heisenberg from Breaking Bad.
I choose to embrace the Tragedy of Heisenberg. Otherwise, no one will respect or love me. I can't contribute without these two. It's the only reason I care for these in this context.
Even when I tried to be normal, I was always confined to my little corner of the world, which I called home for the vast majority of my life. And if not to a physical place, then to isolation. I hope that, if you happen to be autistic too, or if you happen to be outcasted by the world, that you won't kill yourself because of it. No. You are worthy of redemption -- by your own hardworking hands!
There is another way -- the way of retribution; the way of showing others that they were wrong about you. And that is possible by being successful at what you do. Hence why I strive to success, rather than happiness.
Redemption of Worth Through Debt-Paying to Philosophy
This is why, as long as I am alive, I will attempt to be deem worthy enough, to be seen like a normal human being, and by those who appreciate me, as more. Even if I'm not normal: Earn my place in society. Equality for the outlandish.
More appreciated, not because I am thirsty for attention, but because philosophy is an occupation of its own, regardless of how the path to philosophership is acquired. This is why philosophy gave me the hope to live another day. I am glad Ms. Chen is engaged, as it reminded me of my adulthood. Reminded me of what I am capable of, myself.
Many of you would see philosophy as an unnecessarily prestigious profession. For me, it is a way to redeem my faulty verdict of being. And only through work I can have a reason to embrace my flaws, and free myself from the guilt of resuming being alive in solitude. That of itself is quite a feature among philosophers, either way.
Mr. Nathan Lasher's Feedback
There is a reason they refer to it as social intelligence. Socializing is a skill set that one must learn in order to be good at. This starts by learning to fully understand yourself and how you fit into the world. People who have something big which is important to them, ie intelligence or maybe a sport or hobby, can sometimes miss out on the advantage of placing much importance on learning such skills.
That is the beauty of humanity. One must only be interested in the construct of socializing in order to fully take in everything life has to offer. The importance of socializing is it allows one to live bi-curiously through other people. It isn’t as important to experience something if someone else already has.
Words of wisdom. Do not let the thoughts of people you know have such a big aspect on how you act. For some reason the closer the person the more impactful their words are. Their thoughts can act as emotional chains which hold people back. They won’t rise to the level of action because they are concerned with what so and so will think.
If your actions really are pure and their intentions are good then stop living how other people think of you. You are the one who determines, through your actions, how the world sees you. If someone only sees you as autistic than simply go out and show them you are more than just that through good deeds.
It isn’t being a social outcast. It is not having yet found your own herd to be a part of. Can’t really rush building a social construct which revolves around you. Not in a people controlling kind of way. But in a good match kind of way. Won’t ever be something you can force.
.jpg)
Comments