The Problem Behind Wanting Payback -- Understanding the Drawbacks and Alternatives to Revenge
Updated: Jun 28
Why Revenge Holds You Back
The desire for vengeance after being wronged is a powerful emotion... a natural evil, if you will. It's tempting to believe that getting even will bring closure and satisfaction. But the reality is, clinging to revenge can be a self-defeating cycle. Here's why:
The Unattained Justice: The world isn't always fair, even (or especially) in modern times. People may escape consequences, leaving you feeling depraved of a deserved outcome. This can nurture resentment, keeping the wound open and fueling the fire of revenge, altough you can't really do anything anymore.
Lost in Anger: Focusing on revenge fuels anger, a powerful emotion that can cloud judgement and lead to quick but regrettable decisions. You might take actions that have negative repercussions, harming yourself or others in the process. To quote Confucious: "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves". Boost your plans' motivation using emotions like rage, but never let your planning be guided by mere emotion.
Imprisoned in the Past: Dwelling on the wrong done to you keeps you trapped in the past. Greater practicality and growth come from learning from the past to build a better future. Revenge keeps you chained to the perpetrator and the event, instead of using the event as a teacher for a more-peaceful life.
The Cycle Continues: Even if you successfully exact your revenge, it rarely brings lasting satisfaction. Some may even claim it can feel worse after it's done. Revenge might even escalate the situation, leading to further conflict and negativity, where at least two factions keep on a rivalry avoided by letting go. Thus, revenge often breeds revenge, creating a destructive cycle of misery.
Case Example 1: The Psychologist
Unfortunately, my experience with a psychologist left me feeling misunderstood and frustrated.
During a single meeting, he dismissed my anxiety as a "shallow existence of thought." When I read his report, even someone who knew me well disagreed with this assessment. It felt like a betrayal of trust to be judged based on a brief encounter, especially after I shared details like having a website. This is evidence for "The Whole Person" fallacy.
It seemed clear his goal was a quick prescription, not a genuine understanding. His dismissal indicates a disturbing possibility: Some professionals may treat people like cases to be "solved" and then discarded, not individuals. Some may alienate patients with superficial judgments, quickly submitting to their own confirmation bias, overlooking the depths of human emotions and the complexity of our inner lives. Surely anxiety doesn't equate to shallowness? Emotions fluctuate with situations; it's human nature, with all of its flaws.
While I can't change the past or confront this psychologist, his report doesn't define me. As a child I might have been shallow-minded. These days are over.
Moving forward, I choose not to dwell on this negativity. This experience won't deter me from seeking help when needed, but it reminds me to find a therapist who cultivates trust and truly listens in order to learn.
That, you see, is one of the cases where nothing can be done, as the case has been closed long ago. The only "sin" on my part is being with the wrong people at the wrong time, AKA time bias. It's why I only leave my house when needed to, because "regular" people don't really understand the value of patience in relationships. I'm keeping this vague for a reason.
My physical isolation is a great relief. It's a defense mechanism I've developed from those who just don't know how to solve conflicts peacefully. However, I know complete withdrawal isn't healthy either. There must be a way to connect with others who can understand and empathize; people who worked hard enough on themselves, that their hearts are more open to compassion, not condemnation.
Even if I remembered his name and face, I don't see why I should be vengeful toward someone who doesn't understand G.A.D. It's a fact that people's personalities are best assessed over the course of more than one meeting. Research claims it takes around two years.
Why Redemption Trumps Revenge
The charm of absolute power is undeniable, as seen in power fantasies. Dictators, with their vast resources – armed forces, secret police, spies – can exact retribution with terrifying ease. However, their direct control often has limited reach beyond their borders, often resorting to indirect influence (like sending military support to strenghten relations).
We, the ordinary people, lack such tools. We can't orchestrate disappearances, kidnappings, or assassinations, without being regarded as criminals having to lie low.
However, what we do have is the power to reclaim our own narrative. We can redeem our name, rebuild self-respect, and repair our reputation whenever we were wronged. Self-renewal might seem underwhelming when compared to grand displays of punishment, but it is morally better than oppressing them or outright runing their lives.
Here's a possible truth: When the person who wronged you is gone, and might never even return. Keeping this in mind, the desire for revenge can fade. Eventually, it can decrease in weight unless there's a deep emotional connection or a particularly heinous act that demands acknowledgement, like the murder of a dear one.
By choosing redemption over revenge, you take back control from your emotions. You have the opportunity to reclaim the power to define your own story otherwise and move forward with dignity and maturity.
Case Example 2: A Shadow From the Past
The thing with Ms. Chen is different to the sensitive mind. She justified her abandonment of me by saying that I'm irrelevant, and we knew each other for around 8 years. I showed her Philosocom once, only to be told that she does not understand what is written. She didn't know anything, and did not even respond when I, back then, gave her a book I wrote as a gift.
Looking back, she really treated me like trash and even sacrificed me for showing emotion. To be humiliated like that, all because I simply expressed how I felt, is something I very much struggle to forgive and to carry on. That's because I hate masking, and prefer honesty over acting. I chose to be a philosopher because I have deep respect for the truth, and would sacrifice much in my quest for it.
She knew me better than that professional. Even though she wasn't as educated as him, she at least knew me better. Nonetheless, she had the audacity to treat me awefully, using my feelings as an excuse on not working on her self.
He or she who improves themselves can contain other people better, especially when they are distressed. I'd prefer accepting people's right to feel, instead, and continue staying strong for that end.
Do you see another difference between these two examples? The doctor didn't seem to have the courage to tell me what he thinks of me face-to-face; he instead wrote it in a note for other professionals to read. True strength however lies in telling one's thoughts directly. It's why being a philosopher is a social risk.
...Getting revenge on either, will not help me promote the change I want to see in the world.
I will therefore fight for my relevance, in the eyes of the world, which is a far more worthy audience. My relevance on the world stage, that's the battle I now wage, the race I will resume participating as long as I can!
Without it, what purpose remains beyond the act of writing itself? What else I've to live for, in this reality I experience as horribly devoid and painful? When you worked on yourself enough, you wouldn't want revenge as much as altruism.
Then, the ego's relevance wouldn't become the end of your means. Instead, it will be available as the engine of your ambitions.
