Tomasio Rubinshtein -- A 25-Year-Old Philosopher's Autobiography (Written in January 2023)

(Directory on Nihilism: https://www.philosocom.com/post/the-irony-of-nihilism)

(September 2023 note: I am no longer handicapped. I explained why in this article).

(Maturity Directory)

Tomasio Rubinshtein -- A Self Written Biography

The following is a document that tells my story from 1997 to 2023 (The year of this article's publishment). From an undiagnosed autist and social outcast to a diagnosed autist who also became handicapped and frankly, didn't achieve much in life, beyond some writing.

I have no general clue as to how I am seen externally unless told so directly, so I will summarize my life from the perspective of someone who is generally ignorant of the world and of himself but wishes to extend his knowledge by engaging in the art of philosophizing.

This is going to be a bigger article than usual, in terms of length. Now, Let's begin.

I was born on December 7th, 1997. I recall strong lights and intense, unclear noises that made me very anxious. The sensory exposure was overwhelming, and I might not have known that I was born, but I made it somehow, despite my mother having miscarriages both before and after my birth. I am not sure if the world would be much different if I were a miscarriage as well.

I do not remember much of my first years. They seem to be very uneventful, but even then, it was suspected that I might be on the autism spectrum. However, I was only diagnosed as a teenager. That's because I only learned how to speak fluently at the age of 4.

One of my earliest conflicts with this world was probably because of my autism. I was put, at the age of 2, in a regular kindergarten, and it was there that a certain girl traumatized me, probably by screaming directly into my ear. I could not tell her to stop because I have yet to speak.

Under great anxiety, I chewed on her face so she would finally cease torturing me. Perhaps this served as an indication to my family that I needed to be transferred eventually to a communication-based kindergarten so I would better learn how to speak. I do not know what happened to that girl or whether or not I had an impact on her as well. I am just glad that it's behind me.

For some reason, I clearly remember my first spoken word: bu-ha, or bubble, in English. I played with pigeons at a park, and with my movements, this word came. I don't know why it was that word specifically, nor if it actually means anything on any level.

Life became hell on Earth from 2004 to 2017, because that was the period where I experienced mandatory education, along with many other things. Compulsory education made me a depressed kid, even though there were other fun things to be had. Imagine that girl's scream from when I was two; now multiply it by 13 years, each day in school. I knew I was very sensitive to sound already, but people either did not know or did not care.

I was the gang leader for two other kids in elementary school. We just hung out at recess. I was too naive to realize I had charisma for some reason. In the short span of 6 years, I taught myself fluent English using video games and the internet.

In that period, I also formed a militia, called the Storm Alpha Squad, in a multiplayer video game, built amateur websites on a local platform aimed at kids, and served as an officer in an international trolling community against the singer known as Justin Bieber. I doubt that he even knows me. It might be funny, even for me, but it was during these years that I was in positions of authority.

I don't know why these positions came to me so naturally. I also accepted them naturally. They were all dissolved anyway. I believe I was inexperienced and incompetent, but they were all positive experiences that may have helped me become the "entrepreneur" that I am today, with this site and other minor ventures over the years. I did learn from these years to cease trolling online.

I was introduced to philosophy by coincidence when I learned ancient history at the end of elementary school. I was asked to define philosophy when I was 12 years old. Obviously, I was asked to just write in my own words about a text I read. I don't really remember my original answer, even though I now have one at the age of 25.

Despite my "positions" of "authority" as a child, I was a very solitary kid, as I am today, in a sense. I never had a lot of friends, and I was never truly popular, and I spent most of my free time playing video games. In these years, I experienced my first existential crisis when listening to a specific, dystopian tune from an old game.

That tune made me question the value of my life, but not only of mine but also of humanity, and Earth's. I enjoyed reading about astronomy at the time. Learning elementary information about the universe made me realize how tiny we humans are, living on a planet that is tiny as well, compared to the vast emptiness and the astronomic bodies beyond our atmosphere.

I do recall having faith in the Jewish God, but religion was never really a feature of my secular life. There's a reason why I don't talk about religion this often to this day, even though it has great philosophical potential.

Nonetheless, universal design or not, the infinity of the universe was astounding to me. It made me question the worth of my life on Earth and of Earth in general if the sun's lifespan will expire anyway and everything that we have known thus far in this plane of existence will disappear with the explosion of the sun or with another deadly event, such as a massive meteor strike.

I did not know it then, for I was too young and inexperienced, but that was nihilism. I was a nihilist both in belief and in feeling. I used to believe that existence was worthless and that there was not much reason to endure.

I did not have a word for it back then, but it was the pain of nihilism, the rejection of purposefulness, that eventually made me the existentialist philosopher that I am today. A person who attempts to assign meaning.

I pondered if there was more to life than this. More meaning than the schools I was forced to attend; more meaning than the teachers who constantly yelled in my ear. In a sense, life was truly horrible, despite having all I needed to survive, such as food and a ceiling over my head.

I truly pondered the idea of an afterlife. I tried imagining how it feels when a person has this transition from life to death. To this day, it seems absurd to me that life can end so abruptly, but the conversion of life to death is an enigma in comparison.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at the age of 13. It was also the first time I truly fell in love with a girl who enjoyed my company for some reason, only to abandon me two years later. My love for Stephanie was as intense as it was irrational.

Due to my intense excitement, speaking to her made it difficult for my fingers to move even one time. We went for a stroll in September 2012, and it was one of my happiest days in existence. It was the last time I saw her physically.

My heartbreak from her, along with the heartbreak that followed a year later, made me prefer to resume living in a solitary fashion, and likewise, I was never in an actual relationship, even though I think I might have had my chances.

The second source of heartbreak comes from someone some of you may know as Chen, whom I consider my now-absent nemesis. When she called me irrelevant two years ago, it brought back my memory of the existential crisis I had when I was 12. To the existential crisis known as nihilism. Since she doesn't care, I see her as my life's antagonist; A character whose function is to lead to the protagonist's journey towards accomplishment.

Over the course of my obscure existence, I moved two apartments because of humanity's natural tendency to yell with little regard for the environment. I lived in one city most of my life, and just to have a greater chance at peace, I moved to the countryside three years ago. Throughout the transition, life happened, and to be sincere, it was a bit miserable throughout.

So, no. I am not a hedonist. I do not celebrate life, and I do not live to have fun. I resume living because I have realized that my genuine desire to contribute to humanity can help me escape the same existential crisis I felt when I was 12; I am reminded by my mentality that human existence is not eternal and that nothing we may do will necessarily stop the eventual explosion of the sun after a few billion years of its existence.

If I'm already alive, why not seize the limited opportunity and contribute from my own little corner? For me, joy is no longer a major factor; sustaining my existence through survival and contribution to society is all that matters! All that left.

So! Welcome to Philosocom! Welcome to my attempt at justifying my existence by contributing my thoughts to you. I do not pretend at all that I will prevent the eventual death of the sun. I just want to increase the benefit by helping those who want to read my writings, and, as a result, justify my life. I hope to continue doing so not only until my death, but also in the form of this site's eventual succession, which I'm planning to last for at least a century!

No. I'm not planning to die prematurely. I just see my life as a task that I want to see through to its end, until every opportunity to write an article is seized at last. Life for me is not a set of various experiences but rather one of servitude to humanity, or at least to those who want to read my material. That's my goal; that's who I am as a writer and philosopher. This is who I am and who I might continue to be until death.

Thanks for reading.