The Rubinshteinic Philosophy on Why Love Hurts

Synopsis by Ms. Tamara Moskal:

It's said that Love is the greatest emotion in existence, and yet, it also can hurt to the point of total despair. Being in Love is accompanied by several biases, which can twist our perception of somebody. Love hurts when biases collide with reality, or someone you love betrays your affection.

To be less hurt by Love, we need to be critical of our biased thinking, be emotionally resilient, and accept solitude as an inevitable possibility. Love relationships between rational, moral, and strong people have the highest chance of being long-lasting and least harmful.

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Introduction

It is said that love is one of the greatest emotions in existence.... According to Better-Help:

Love is powerful because it serves as a fundamental emotional and psychological force that binds individuals and communities.... Love transcends physical limitations and can make even the smallest voice heard in a cacophony of noise.

The most important emotion of all, by those who believe in it the most, to the point of great bias. And yet, it is also said that love hurts. Indeed, love, while it bathes you in warmth, can also hurt you a lot, even to the point of some people being willing enough to... desire death. If love is such a wonderful emotion, then why is such a negative extreme? Most importantly, why is this harmful aspect of love, overlooked by many?

The Nature of Love

Love can be seen as the collective embodiment of several biases:

• The Halo Effect. According to Psychology Today: "The halo effect occurs when a person's positive qualities influence our perception of their other traits, leading to unrealistic expectations and disappointment when a partner inevitably falls short of these expectations. This can cause strain in the relationship."
  

• The Similarity Bias. According to FSblog: "We like people who resemble us. Whether it’s appearance, opinions, lifestyle or background, we tend to favor people who on some dimension are most similar to ourselves."
  

• The Liking Bias. According to Joseph Adebisi: "When you have an object of affection, you tend to ignore their faults and comply with their wishes. You like people, products, and actions that are associated with your object of affection."

All these biases, and more included, can easily twist our perception towards someone, and blow their value out of proportions, thus indicating the illogical nature of humanity. And to love, some may argue, is an essential part of being a human being. Therefore, an essential part of being a human is to have our judgement impaired by our emotions.

Love hurts when the reality beyond our minds collides with our biases towards the one we love. As such, they may be disappointed by us, we may be disappointed by them and so on. We might learn to realize that they are not very similar to us, and we may also learn that they aren't so great like we once thought they were.

Love therefore hurts because its biases may collide with reality, and more often than not it is reality that reigns victorious over an emotion that is prone to change and decline.

Coping With Love and Its Problems

To make sure love hurts us less, we need to develop our meta-cognition skills, by being able to criticize our own thinking and feelings as if they were external of us. Doing so can allow us to ground ourselves more in reality and less in our delusions towards reality.

Being stronger, to the point that we'll be able to live whether or not we'll be loved by others, can also reduce the overall pain found in love.

It's a harsh reality about love: That some people have no love with or without a lifetime of former relationships. Isn't it ironic, that something as praised as love is one that not only hurts and traumatizes us, but can also leave us lonely, as if we never had a partner before? The mental pain caused by love comes from this harsh reality, that we might be alone either way.

And love hurts more when we refuse to accept our solitude as an inevitable possibility, or as something that would happen either way. Even if we love someone for over 50 years, like my grandparents did, when grandfather died my grandmother became, obviously, a widow.

The solution to not be so heartbroken by the damage of love is to be stronger. Tougher. To be able to live and carry on with our lives and other ambitions. Being stronger will allow us to love without the constant fear of abandonment and loneliness looming in the back of our minds.

Developing inner-strength can also allow us to love better by being brave enough to be alongside our loved one when they are in distress. It allows us to embrace them instead of rejecting their negative emotions as illegitimate. This strength in turn will not only hurt us less but also help us hurt our partner less as well.

What also makes love so agonizing, is the possibility that one day, you will no longer be needed, by said person. It's the same approach a villain would have to his/her henchmen. Especially if they failed you "for the last time". Those who have this approach towards you, as someone they should dispose of with little regard to you, these are people who aren't really worthy of your love.

And your positive biases towards them, even and especially when they exist after betrayal, are irrelevant to this truth.

This pain can happen anywhere, anytime, by anyone, as long as you are either too weak or too attached. However, while attachment is a double-edged sword, AKA, necessary to open up to others, we can toughen up our mentality, so we would suffer less unnecessary agony. While we cannot control reality and the hearts of other people, we can mentally train ourselves to be more capable of suffering, thus suffering less than before.

Reality is uncertain because the future is uncertain. The Victory Fallacy is based on this truth. People you once thought to be your allies might leave you whenever they please, just as you can do the same to them.

Love, regardless of type, is all about emotional attachment, to someone who could rip said attachment, if they see a good reason to do so. Good in their eyes, not generally. However, your love will be put to the test, when you'll be able to let them go and still love them enough to appreciate them.

The only certainty, when it comes to love, is the love you have for yourself. You can't leave yourself, can you? People will come and go, but you will forever stay within the confines of your own company, whether you're together with others, whether you lead a life of solitude. There is no such thing as absolute loyalty, even if declared, because doubt is always an option, especially in times of crisis, or of other opportunities.

But you're not going to indoctrinate your lover to believe that there is no doubt, correct? Your insecurity does not justify such cultish action.

Those who have a mercenary's mindset when it comes to love, who will abandon you with little to no remorse when "a better offer" will come by, these people are also not worthy of your love.

Therefore, love is partially illogical, because it is an emotion that seeks certainty in an uncertain world. It's also a concept that seeks to abolish conditionality in a reality built on it. It's a concept that seeks stability in an unstable world, and peacefulness in a world built on conflict and competition. It seeks loyalty where there could be doubt. It seeks long-term alliance that would last as long as possible, without having this business' mentality founded by self-interest.

Why, therefore, put love in such a supreme position? Just because it gives one such satisfaction at start? Those who are not afraid of negative emotions, such as rejection, might as well be exceptions to this missive. Hence the politics involved in this field. I'm not referring to a government. I am referring to the power struggles between people, on limited "resources". With the "resources" being other partners. And within the relationship itself, there may be a unique power dynamic between the partners.

No one likes being seen as expendable, unless it pleases you somehow. And yet, this element is always present even when you love someone, are loved, or when the feeling is mutual.

It's what happens when we act mainly on emotion. The wise and mature solution is to build the necessary moral infrastructure for the relationship to last. Otherwise it will fall by the whims of our hearts. As such, we better love people who are rational, mature, moral and strong. I would like to pose the argument that these kind of people are the least likely to hurt you.

But do not expect for no pain at all. Pain, in a way, is also what makes us humans.